And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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