you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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