We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
