He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i believe in u and ur pee
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
