How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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