his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
