She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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