so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
