so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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