you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
