So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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