Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
