Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
