fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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