Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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