Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
