god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
