Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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