I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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