speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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