i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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