Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
