I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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