I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
