So drunk its hurt
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
