morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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