Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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