i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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