Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
