i just sent this text using only my big toe
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
