Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
