sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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