He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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