if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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