I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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