It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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