i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
