Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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