She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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