I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
