Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh god it's open bar.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
