You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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