He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
