I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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