I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
