go do what you do best...puke behind churches
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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