I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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