I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
