is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
