i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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