yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
