I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
