the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
