I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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